I have been reassessing my motives for connecting lately. I am not saying my motives are out of place, but they easily could be. I am in a time of transition. I have gone from receiving a paycheck to purely contracting. With that comes stress brought on by the need to keep a steady stream of business coming in the door. I am a great connector. I can spread the word easily and find collaborators, partnerships and new customers easily. But closing the deal? That part is a real challenge and honestly one I like to take on with a team. So what does that have to do with motive? A lot.
You see underneath every human connection is a motive. If we honestly take apart the anatomy of a relationship we can start to see the reasons they exist. And many of those reasons are based on a need. Need for friendship because we don’t like being alone, a need to care for others because we like to see them thrive. Looking deeper our motives can be exposed as purely selfish, seeking gratification or promotion.
Are we going to always like what we find out? No, but I do think just beng aware of them can be very helpful in getting us to a place where we think of the other person first. A place that takes the pressure off both parties and frees the connection to really bring fruit to everyone involved.
Here is a simple exercise that I have found helpful. Pause before your next interaction. Before you message someone on twitter, update your status on your favorite social network or hit send on that email you are drafting this morning. Ask yourself these three questions:
-What am I hoping to receive in this relationship?
-What do I have to offer this person or community that will cost me something?
-Have I ever taken advantage of this connection and if so why did I do it?
A really good book that covers this topic really well is John Eldredge’s Utter Relief of Holiness.
The Ransomed Heart Team has offered a very cool deal for you if you want a free download of a live teaching that John Eldredge did on the subject.
The coupon code “HOLY” will give them a 100% discount on the download version. I hope you really enjoy it.